Frustrated

Today may have been the worst day of jazz class for me ever.  I actually walked out.  I get so frustrated!  I recall getting frustrated a few weeks ago, to the point of tears, but I also remember not remembering that it will be ok.  Today, I knew it would be ok and that this was probably hard for a lot of people.  I do not know why I cannot see the steps and mimic them.

Elements of my frustration include:

• I do not feel like my ability to do the movement at the pace of the class is improving.
• I know that I have the physical strength to do these moves.  I tend to believe that I am one of the physically strongest people in the class, true or not.
• I know what will help me, but it is either not realistic to ask of the teacher or most people don't see how it will help.
• I know I am able to do the movements, but simply cannot feel and remember them.

If I am going to meet Autumn 30 minutes before class, I think that time is best spent on the material we are going to cover in class.  I have a processing disorder, not immovable limbs.  i.e., my body is fine, it is my brain that gets in the way.  So even though we aren't going into as much detail in class, seeing it for the first time before the warm up in a small, low pressure setting will allow my brain the extra time it needs to digest of all the stuff it was just fed.  When she goes over in detail during class, I've already had time to start working it.

I really think that a slow, physical and verbal run-through of the piece will be most helpful.  Reviewing the previous class day's material isn't helpful because we don't repeat it.  We don't need to stop and do the first x-number of counts and then repeat, just start at the beginning, go straight through to the end.  My anxiety doesn't get as high in this situation either.  That keeps my brain free to do other things besides get upset that I'm not getting it as quickly as the rest of the class.

My gut tells me that we are going to repeat the stuff we did today because it didn't seem to be going well for the rest of the class.  Autumn kept saying that confidence was the biggest problem, trust our bodies to do what they know to do... She is so right, but it is easier said than done.  So I'm going to watch the video again today and commit to do it tomorrow.  I'll check back in here after I do... If I don't, then I didn't do it and I don't deserve any extra help.  So there.